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em； however； my father preserved； apparently because they refer to money matters。 A little while ago my brother William8 found them when rummaging through papers at Bradenham； and kindly sent them to me。 I have just re…read them for the first time； and； as a full generation has gone by since they were written； I find the experience strange and in a sense sad。 The intervening years seem to fall away； the past arises real and vivid； and I see myself a slim； quick…faced young fellow seated in that room at Pretoria inditing these epistles which I had so long forgotten。 They are written in a much better hand than I can boast today； every word being clear and every letter well formed； which doubtless was a result of my despatch e extracts。
8 Sir Rider’s eldest brother； the late Sir W。 H。 D。 Haggard； K。C。M。G。； at that time Minister at Rio。 — Ed。
Pretoria； S。A。R。： March 13； 1877。
My dear Father； — Since my last letter matters have been rapidly advancing and drawing to a close。 The Raad； after making a last move at once futile and foolish； has prorogued itself and left matters to take their course。 Things are also looking much more peaceable； and I do not think that there will be any armed resistance。 At one time an outbreak seemed imminent； in which case we should have run a very fair chance of being potted on our own stoep。 。 。 。 I spoke a day or two ago to the Chief as to my taking home the despatches； and he told me that he could not send me as the bearer of the despatches； 1st： because it was no longer done except through foreign territories； 2nd： because I might be delayed on the road by sickness or accidents； and that in performing a long journey of the sort a mail…bag had a better chance of getting safely and swiftly to its destination than a messenger。 “But；” he said； “I will send you with the despatches and with credentials to the Colonial authorities； empowering you to give such information as my despatches do not and cannot contain； which is a great deal” （Sir T。 is not a voluminous writer）； “and in this way you will be a living despatch。”
This is perhaps not quite so good as taking the actual letters； since I shall not get my expenses； but as far as regards other things it will answer my purpose equally well。 It will be something to my name in case I wish or am obliged at any future time to avail myself of it。 Besides it is indirectly a great pliment to myself。 Any young fellow can carry despatches； but it is not for everybody of my age and short experience who would be trusted to give private information on so important a subject as the unexpected annexation of a splendid territory as large as Great Britain； information which may very probably be made use of in Parliament。 Since I have been here I have done my best to study the question and to keep myself informed as to every detail； and I get my reward in this manner 。 。 。 。
I think that I shall e home via the Cape。 It will be a stiff journey； 1200 miles in a post…cart； but it will be a thing to have done； and I want if possible to get to London at the same time as despatches announcing the Annexation。 When the Proclamation will go I cannot say； but I think it will be in the course of the next fortnight。 We received news to…night that the troops and guns are on the way to Newcastle。 I shall start by mail following the issue of the Proclamation。
We are going on as usual here working in the dark （we are beginning to emerge now） and waiting the result。 It has been an anxious business； but I think that we are all right now。
I had rather that my letters were not shown； as we do not quite know what line the Home Government is going to take； and I have spoken pretty plainly。 ＇All these letters to which I refer here are missing。 — H。 R。 H。＇
It was after my return from Secocoeni’s and； I think； within a day or two of the Proclamation being issued； that I received that harsh epistle from my father of which I have written earlier in this book； that； as I have said； caused me at the last moment not to start for England。 It was a very foolish act on my part； as the reader who studies the facts will see。 I should have remembered that when he wrote his letter my father could not have known that I was ing home in this important position； namely to give viva…voce information to Lord Carnarvon as to all the circumstances connected with the Annexation。 Nor； although I have little doubt that my mother and my sister Mary； now Baroness A。 d’Ahan； were privy to the secret and private reasons for my journey； to which I have also already alluded； was he perhaps aware of them。 However； so I acted in my hurt pride and anger； and there the thing remains。 I may say in excuse of this want of judgment that I was very young； only twenty； and that I had to make up my mind on the spot while； as the Zulus say； “my heart was cut in two。”
Moreover I repeat my belief that the finger of Fate was at work in the matter； how and why perhaps we should have to go back； or forward； ages or aeons to explain。 Years ago I came to the conclusion that our individual lives and the accidents which influence them are not the petty things they seem to be； but rather a part of some great scheme whereof we know neither the beginning nor the end。 The threads of our destinies； in black or in scarlet or in sombre grey； appear and disappear before our mortal eyes； but who can figure out the tapestry that they help to weave？ That picture lies beyond our ken or even our imagining。
The insect sees more than the worm； the snake more than the insect； the dog more than the snake； and the man； erect in his pride； more than all of them。 But how much does the man see of the whole great universe； or even of this little earth？
To the best of my belief I answered my father’s letter； which I think I destroyed upon the spot； very briefly； saying that I had abandoned my idea of ing home。 Apparently this letter was not preserved。 One remains； however； which appears to allude to the subject； and from it I quote some extracts。
Government House；
Pretoria； Transvaal： June 1； 1877。
My dear Father； — I have to acknowledge your two letters dated respectively 27th March and the 4th April。 I do not think that it will be of any good to dwell any more on what is to me； in some ways at least； a rather painful subject 。 。 。 。
I received today my letter of appointment as English Clerk to the Colonial Secretary’s Office with a salary of 250 pounds per annum。 I have not yet got my appointment as Clerk to the Executive Council； which will be worth nominally 100 pounds per annum； but in reality only 50 pounds。 It was to have been gazetted tomorrow with the other； but the Chief thought it better to wait。 However； unless something occurs； I shall get it before long； as soon as there is an Executive to be Clerk to。 The reason that 50 pounds is to be knocked off is that it is not desirable to give offence by making my pay higher than that of any other clerk in the service； and though virtually I shall stand first on the list； it is thought better that I should not be nominally either under or over the one or ty position as “English Clerk” will be a perfectly independent one。 The English work of the office will be in my hands； and as it now far more than equals the Dutch and will increase day by day； of course it is the most important part of the business and will soon swamp the other。
The reason of the delay in my appointment is that there has been a difference of opinion about it between the Chief and Mr。 Osborn； who is to be Colonial Secretary and consequently my Head of Department and； under the Governor； of the whole service。 The Chief wished me to stop on with him as Despatch Clerk with the same salary； and Obsorn wanted me in his office。 In the end they promised it： my appointment is made out as above； and when I am wanted at Government House I am to go there。 On the whole I would rather have it as it is； for the work will be more interesting though harder； and the position； on the whole； better。
So much for the appointment itself； now as regards its future probable or possible results。 。 。 。 It is far better to take service here than in Natal。 In five years Natal will be to this country what Ireland is to England。 To begin with； the