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'Not tonight； no。'
He seemed afflicted with a weariness that went far beyond a lack of sleep。 It was as if all the endless hours in the office and on the streets and in the courtrooms had built up a sly accretion impossible to discard which now lay heavily upon him like a grey and ageless second skin。
'Just a professional question；' Pear said； mistaking Gelda's silence as an expression of annoyance； 'that's all。 Seeing as how there's…'
'Not tonight。'
'I know I haven't given you any notice。 That's because it's the Senator。'
Gelda knew what that meant。 'Get him someone else。'
'G；' Pear said slowly and patiently； 'he wants you。 There is no one else。 You know how he is。'
He stood there in the half…light like some mythic animal e to life； a creature someone had mistakenly dressed in human clothes。 He seemed only partially aware of her。
'The answer's still no。' She could not be more aware of him。
'And what of Dare when she es to town again？' Pear had obviously caught something in Gelda's tone of voice。
And； abruptly； Gelda knew that she had answered the phone
because he was here。 'No。 Even for Dare。 Those days are gone。 I am out。'
'I see。' There was no hurt in Pear's voice； no hint of recrimination。
Gelda felt light…headed； as giddy as if she had just consumed an entire bottle of Dom Perignon。 She also felt happier than she ever had before。
'We'll miss you； G。 I'll miss you。' It was like Pear； at a moment like this； not to mention the clients。
'I'll never forget you；' Gelda whispered。
A soft laugh。 'I should hope not。 Good…bye； G。〃
Gelda put down the receiver； went over to Croaker。 'What happened？' She put her arm round him； walking him into the bedroom。
In the warm lamplight； she saw the dried blood on his hands。 'Won't you tell me？' she said in a voice calmer than she felt。 'You look so sad。〃
'I've just e from seeing two families。 A pregnant wife and a mother of three small kids。' He looked at her despairingly。 'Have you ever had to tell someone that the person she cares most about is dead？' He took a deep breath。 'Well； I have。 But never before when I knew those deaths were my fault。' He stared at his brown hands； stained as if they had been dipped in dye； crusty as if covered in sea salt。
'Why don't we start at the beginning；' she said softly； taking his hands in hers； drawing him forward。 〃The blood has to e off first。'
I knew what I was doing！ I knew right from the start / I knew where I was going / There's radar in my heart。。。
The place was all mirrored chrome and black smoked glass； multi…levelled like the hanging gardens with floors of translucent glass under which coloured lights flashed in time to the music。
The air vibrated with percussion and electric voices； strung like a Christmas tree with garlands of perfume and perspiration and burning pot。
I felt your contact ing / Your star was on my chart / I heard your motors humming / Got radar in my heart。。。
Somewhere was the bar； obscured behind a forest of raised arms； swirling hair； shiny； mindlessly concentrating faces。 Dance dance dance： the imperative was clear； treading an atavistic path； the primitive's tribal revivals； an ecstatic munal orgy； trivialized to the point where all possible consequences were nullified。
The posters on your walls mark every fashion's rise and fall / Why try to keep the past alive/ And though I know the time is almost 1984 I It feels like 1965。。。
Like moving through a dream。 All senses assailed relentlessly until distortion grew like weeds in the abandoned front yard of reality。 Every step forward carried with it the burden of two in retrograde。 He thought of Alice down the rabbit's hole and wondered if Carroll could have had this in mind。 Only Coleridge might have dreamsmoked this up； it seemed the habitat of a damaged archangel。
The music in my room is always slightly out of tune j My harmony is up on trial / And though I know the rhythm you'd prefer me dancing to/I'll turn my revolt into style。。。
At the bar there were leather…padded seats on which no one sat； a line of jackdaws ironically eyeing a busy cornfield in summer。
Nicholas sat and ordered a drink for form's sake。 He was not thirsty。 He watched the lame glitter in the spiralling lights； the neon shoes with heels impossibly high。 Multicoloured eye makeup seemed to cover half the faces of women who turned towards him again and again in the course of the dance。 Flesh was entirely incidental； it seemed； arms and breasts and thighs were painted like lizard skin。 Their expressions recalled to him vivid scenes from Metropolis。
He was searching for Justine； but in this madhouse it seemed useless： like running after Yukio in Kumamoto。 Doors closing in his face as fast as they were opened。
Then what Sam had said to him earlier in the evening began to seep through into his consciousness。 What difference did it make what he was now as long as he knew that he wanted to be； what he wanted。 It was no longer 1963； part of another lifetime。 But he knew that he would never truly be free until he understood it all。 Without understanding； he knew； assimilation was impossible。 The kijin … the goblins of his past … would be appeased by nothing less。
'What are you doing？ C'mon； c'mon； c'mon and dance。'
She was a sloe…eyed blonde in a lavender crepe de chine dress which showed off her ample breasts to maximum effect。
I feel life a wog / People give me the eyes / But I was born just life you you you。。。
'Don't you wanna' … her bird's head swayed seductively …'get in the swing？ C'mon； c'mon。'
'No； I don't think …'
… life a wog / I don't mean you no harm / I just want to shine your shoes 。。。
'… apricorn； right？ You must be。 Dour。' She pronounced it dower。 'All Capricorns are dour。 But …'
'I'm not here to dance；' he said； feeling foolish。 'I'm here to find someone。'
Golly gee / Golly gosh / Don't call me your golliwog 。。。
'… do it together。'
Don't call me； don't call me； don't call me/ I'll call you if I want you。。。
You don't understand。 There is a woman here。 A woman。'
'So？' She took his hand； crimson nails gleaming； changing colours； lines of light flicking。 'Let's dance； dance； dance until we find her。'
He broke away from her grip。
'Don't you want to have fun？' she cried after him。
… made me feel life； feel life； feel life a wog 。。。
Went up to the second level； blues and greens like a grotto of waving kelp。 Synchronization had begun to set in and he felt his pulse throbbing to the beat of the music flailing the air with the abandon of a reaper at his wheat…field。
And； at last； he saw her on the highest level； partly obscured by the scaffolding of the circular staircase。 He had to wait several minutes； the narrow path clotted and blocked： dancing up； dancing down。
Disappearing in a wave of arms and heads bobbing and he went up the iron stairs two at a time。 Black leather walls like a padded cell； smoked glass far too fragile for the height： what if someone should stumble in thrall and fall？ What then？
Light in reds and yellows； turning white and grey against the black leather； disconcerting； like seeing a colour TV show on an ancient set： everything somehow just slightly out of phase。
There she was。 With a tall broad…shouldered man with lank black hair and the sallow skin of a Puerto Rican。 He wore a sleeveless shirt with a red； blue and gold Point Beer button； high…waisted deep red trousers。
Didn't I hear you cry this morning / Didn't I feel you weep / Teardrops flowing down on me / Life rivers in my sleep。。。
'Justine。'
Her head whipped round and light caught at the crimson flecks in her near eye。 Watched him silently until her partner whirled her around in a blur。
？Justine。'
'What'a'you want； man？ Don't hassle my chick； hey。 Keep cool； okay？'
Didn't I hear your voice this morning / Didn't you call my name / / heard you whisper softly / But the words were never plain。。。
'Justine。 Look at me。' He reached out。
'Hey； man。 Hey； hey。 No way to act。 You ain't listening'。 Drift away now。 She don't want no part o' you。'
Noted in passing； the dilated pupils； the reddened nostrils。
'Why don't you go to the men's room and do some blow？'