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e。 'There's no love； no life。 And to the south； in Kumamoto？ What's there？ Saigo。 Saigo and his damnable secrets。 I don't want any part of all that。 It terrifies me。'
They had passed a street vendor； shrouded in fog； and Nicholas detached himself from her for a moment； went back； bought two small paper cups of tofu in a sticky sweet brown glaze。 He gave her one。 A wooden spoon was stuck in the centre of the sweet。
She looked at it； then at him。 'What's the matter with you？' she said。 A strong gust of wind； humid with the fecundity of the sea； whipped around them and she had to peel her hair away from her face。 A few strands clung to the wet corner of her lips。 The rest of her hair； unbound； was like a scarf worn in midwinter； flying out behind her。 'You treat me like a child。 You buy me a sweet as if I've just awakened from a nightmare。' She batted the paper cup from his outstretched hand。 It hit the ground with a fat splat and stayed there； a misshapen lump of white and brown。 'What I'm feeling is not going to go away； despite what you may think。 I go to sleep at night and wake up the next morning hoping that it is all a dream。 But it's not。 Don't you see that？' He began to walk； she with him。 'Nicholas； please。' Her body was bent slightly； either against the wind or against her emotions； perhaps both。 I'm begging you。 Let's stay here。 I don't want to go across to Kyushu。'
'But why not？ You knew where we were ing when you insisted I bring you along。 What did you imagine would happen？'
'I don't know；' she said miserably。 'I didn't think that far ahead。 I'm not like you in that respect。 I can't plan ahead。 I never know what I am going to do； how I am going to feel until I do it。 I didn't go with it all the way until the end。 I just wanted to be with you …' Her hand flew to her mouth and her eyes opened wide。 She whirled away from him； bent over。
'Yukio…'
'Leave me alone。 I don't know what I'm saying any more。〃
He threw away the cup； held her by her shoulders。 'I don't understand；〃 he said。 'Please…talk to me。'
'You know I can't do that；' she said； 'very well。' Her back was still to him。
'Yukio' … he held her tighter to him … 'you must tell me。'
'I can't do it。 I can't。'
He spun her around。 'Yes you can。 I know you can。〃 He stared into her frightened eyes； enlarged now by incipient tears。 'Will it help if I tell you？'
'Yes。 No。 I don't know。' But at least she knew what he meant。
'I love you；' he said。 'I don't know how long I've known it and not said it。 I …' Was this why he was terrified？
'No。 No；' she said。 'Don't say it。 Please。 I can't bear it。 I can't bear it。'
'But why not？'
'Because；' she said fiercely； her face wrenched in a snarl； 'I believe you。〃
He almost laughed with relief。 'And is that so bad？'
'Don't you understand yet？' Her face was so close to his； her eyes seemed crossed。 'I feel like I'm going to die。 I'm not equipped …'
'Yes you are！' He shook her so that her hair flew across her face and her lower lip trembled。 'Everyone is。 You just don't know it。'
'I can't handle it。' Her voice was almost a sob。 A boat hooted over their shoulders； the rhythmic rumble of its diesel reaching them as a vibration up their legs until it had passed； its green and gold stack lost in the mist。 He could not even see as far back up the foreshore to where the vendor must still be； hawking his sweet tofu。
'I am mitted now；' he said； deliberately changing the subject。 'I've said I'd e。'
'You can always change your mind。 No one's locked you into one decision。' Her voice had taken on a pleading edge。 But was it for him or for herself？
'My mitment is to myself；' he said softly。 'I must find out what Saigo is doing in Kumamoto。'
'Why？ Why is that so important？ Who cares what he's doing？ Who is it going to affect？ Neither of us。 Why can't you just let it go？ It's such a small thing。'
'It's not；' he said despairingly。 'It's not a small thing at all。' But he wondered if there was any way he could explain it to her。 How could he when he was not even sure he could explain it to himself？
'It's e down to that fight you two had in the dojo；' she said cannily。 'It's like you have each other by the throat and neither of you will let go。 You'll destroy each other that way； don't you see？ One of you has to let go； otherwise 。。。 Why can't it be you？'
'There's a matter of honour。' He only knew it now； a revelation like the sun as it first slips over the horizon； beginning to defeat the long night's chill。
'Oh； don't give me that one；' she said shortly。 'That kind of honour went out of style a long time ago。'
How little she must understand of life； he thought。 'For some of us； it's never gone out of style。'
'For the samurai；' she said tartly。 'The elite of Japan。 The warriors who hurl themselves unhesitatingly into battle。 Who live to die in bat？' She laughed； a harsh； disforting sound。 'Now who needs a strong dose of reality？ You're the same； the two of you。 Two rabid dogs who'll worry a leg off before they'll give up and let go。'
'Not the same；' he said。 'Not the same at all。 Saigo hates everything I stand for。 My mixed blood； my love of Japan bined with my abominable Caucasian features。 It rankles him that someone who looks the way I do should be better than him at anything； especially something so important as bujutsu。'
'Important？ What's so goddamned important about bujutsu？ What has any of that to do with living； with feeling …'
'You're a good one to talk about that。' Knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as it was out of his mouth。 He saw the look on her face； said； reaching out for her； 'I'm sorry。 You know I didn't mean …'
'Oh； you meant it； Nicholas。 I'm quite certain of that。 And you've a right to say it； I guess。 I've been frightened these last few days and now you know how I get when I'm frightened。 You've made me feel … something … I was sure was impossible for me。 I still don't quite … well； part of the time I want to run away from you and hide and never see another human being for the rest of my life。 Is it okay to trust you？ I keep asking myself。 Isn't it just my cunt and my mouth he's after？ But then I think； he's already got those so why go into this at all？ It must be real even though every instinct that's still functioning tells me it's not。 The past dies very slowly。 I keep hearing echoes all around me。 When you talk to me； say things； I hear what you're saying but； in my mind； other meanings； hidden and secretive like invisible hieroglyphics； burn themselves into my brain and I hear two different things and I begin a debate as to which of those signals is the real one； the one you mean for me to hear。' She looked at him。 'Does any of this make any sense to you？〃
'I think so。'
'I see it doesn't。' Her eyes were so bright they seemed to glitter despite the lack of any direct light。 'I suppose I am trying to tell you I love you。'
Her arms were around his neck； though how they had got there he had no idea。 Hadn't they been at her sides just a moment ago？ Had there been any movement since then？ What was happening？
They kissed in a kind of timeless moment where even their breath hung suspended； condensed clouds on a chill winter's morning。
They took their bags down to the ferryboat ticket…taker's； a ramshackle wooden building no larger than an outhouse with an arched window in its front； glassless and inadequately hooded against inclement weather。 One could easily freeze to death within such a place。
A young boy in his late teens took the two rail ticket passes Nicholas handed him； stamped and punched them in several places； handed them back。
'The next ferry sails in seven minutes；' he told them。 Even here； in such an out…of…the…way town； there was the typical Japanese concern with punctuality。
Yukio was unnaturally quiet until they cast off。 But once they were moving； her melancholy seemed to slip away。 'Perhaps there will be a new show in town；' she said gaily。 'Or a riding stable。 We could picnic and ride all afternoon。' It was as if the episode on the near shore had never occurred。 Still； Nicholas was disturbed in its wake。
Behind them； Shimonoseki drifted away like a dream； beyond the churning white wake of th