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One could fall in love with the horses in the Procession。 Or with the faces of the young men。 I shall now leave the subject as puzzled about it as I tell my story； as I was then。
Immediately after confirming my success with the copy； I opened a spacious painting studio in the palazzo and began to work on large panels late at night while the boys slept。 I did not really need their help and I did not want them to see the speed or the determination with which I worked。
My first ambitious painting was dramatic and strange。 I painted a gathering of my apprentices in full fancy dress listening to an old Roman philosopher who wore only his long tunic and cloak and sandals； and this against a backdrop of the ruins of Rome。 It was full of vivid color and my boys were well rendered； I give myself that。 But I didn't know if it was any good。 And I didn't know if it would horrify。
I left the door open to the studio in the hope that the teachers might wander in there by day。
As it turned out they were far too timid to do it。
I proceeded to create another painting； and this time I chose the Crucifixion…an approved theme for any artist…and I rendered it with tender care…and once again I used the backdrop of the ruins of Rome。 Was it sacrilege？ I couldn't guess。 Once again； I was sure of my colors。
Indeed； this time I was sure of my proportions； and of the sympathetic expression on Christ's face。 But was the position itself somehow something that should not be？
How was I to know？ I had all this knowledge； all this seeming power。 Yet I didn't know。 Was I creating something blasphemous and monstrous？
I returned to the subject of the Magi。 I knew the conventions。 Three kings； the stable； Mary； Joseph； the Infant； Jesus； and this time I did them freely； imputing to Mary the beauty of Zenobia； and glorying in the colors as before。
Soon my giant workroom was full of paintings。 Some were correctly hung。 Others were simply propped against the wall。
Then one night； at supper to which I'd invited the boys' more refined instructors； one of them； the Greek teacher； happened to mention that he had seen into my workshop through an open door。
〃Oh； please； tell me；〃 I said； 〃what did you think of my paintings？〃
〃Most remarkable！〃 he said frankly。 〃I've never seen anything like them！ Why； all of the figures in the painting of the Magi。。。〃 He broke off； afraid。
〃Please go on；〃 I said instantly。 〃Tell me。 I want to know。〃
〃All of the figures are looking out at us； including Mary； and Joseph； and the three kings。 I have never seen it done in that way。〃
〃But is it wrong？〃 I asked。
〃I don't think so；〃 he said quickly。 〃But who's to say？ You paint for yourself； don't you？〃
〃Yes； I do；〃 I answered。 〃But your opinion matters to me。 I find at moments I'm as fragile as glass。〃
We laughed。 Only the older boys were interested in this exchange； and I saw that the very oldest； Piero； had something to say。 He too had seen the paintings。 He had gone inside the room。
〃Tell me everything； Piero；〃 I said； winking at him； and smiling。 〃e on。 What do you think？〃
〃The colors； Master； they were beautiful！ When will it be time for us to work with you？ I'm more skilled than you might think。〃
〃I remember； Piero；〃 I said； referring to the shop from which he'd e。 〃I'll call upon you soon enough。〃
In fact； I called upon them the very next night。
Having severe doubts about subject matter more than anything else； I resolved to follow Botticelli in that regard。
I chose the Lamentation for my subject matter。 And I made my Christ as tender and vulnerable as I could conceivably do it； and I surrounded him with countless mourners。 Pagan that I was； I didn't know who was supposed to be there！ And so I created an immense and varied crowd of weeping mortals…all in Florentine dress…to lament the dead Jesus； and angels in the sky torn with anguish much like the angels of the painter Giotto whose work I had seen in some Italian city the name of which I could not recall。
My apprentices were quite astonished by the work and so were the teachers； whom I invited into the huge workroom for the initial view。 Once again the faces I painted elicited special ment but so did the bizarre qualities of the painting…the inordinate amount of color and gold…and small touches I had added； such as insects here and there。
I realized something。 I was free。 I could paint what I wanted。 Nobody was going to be the wiser。 But then again； I thought； perhaps dial's not true。
It was desperately important for me to remain in the middle of Venice。 I did not want to lose my foothold in the warm； loving world。
I drifted out in the following weeks to all the churches once more in search of inspiration for my paintings； and I studied many a grotesque and bizarre picture which amazed me almost as much as my own work。
An artist by the name of Carpaccio had created a work called Meditation on the Passion which revealed the body of the dead Christ end ironed against a fantastical landscape； and flanked by two white…haired saints who peered at the viewer as if Christ were not there！
In the work of a painter named Grivelli； I found a truly grotesque picture of the dead Savior； flanked by two angels who looked like monsters。 And the same painter had done a Madonna almost as lovely and lifelike as Botticelli's goddesses or nymphs。
I arose night after night hungry not for blood； though I certainly fed when I had to feed； but for my time in the workshop； and soon my paintings； all of them on large wooden panels； were propped all over the enormous house。
Finally； because I could keep track of them no longer； and went on to things new； rather than to perfect the old； I gave in to Vincenzo that he might have these works properly mounted as he wished。
Meanwhile our whole palazzo； though it had bee famous in Venice as 〃a strange place；〃 remained somewhat closed to the world。
Undoubtedly my hired teachers spoke of their days and evenings in the pany of Marius de Romanus； and all our servants gossiped； no question of it； and I did not seek to put an end to such talk。
But I did not admit the true citizens of Venice。 I did not lay put the banquet table as I had done in the old nights。 I did not open the doors。
Yet all the while I was longing to do it。 I wanted the fashionable world of the city to be received under my roof。
What I did instead of extending invitations was to accept those I received。
Often in the early evening； when I didn't want to dine with my children； and long before I needed to begin painting furiously； I went to other palaces where feasting was in progress； and I entered； whispering my name when asked； but more often being received without question and discovering that the guests were eager to have me among them and had heard of my paintings and of my famous little school where the apprentices hardly did any work at all。
Of course I kept to the shadows； spoke in vague but gentle words； read minds well enough to make the most clever conversation and in general almost lost my wits so great was this love to me； this convivial reception of me which was nothing more than most of the noblemen of Venice took for granted every night of their lives。
I don't know how many months passed in this way。 Two of my students went on to Padua。 I went out into the city and found four more。 Vincenzo showed no signs of ill health。 I hired new and better teachers from time to time。 I painted fiercely。 So on it went。
Let me say a year or two had gone by before I was told of a very lovely and brilliant young woman who maintained a house always open to poets and playwrights and clever philosophers who could make their visits worth her while。
Understand the payment in question was not a manner of money； it was that one had to be interesting to be admitted to this woman's pany； poems had to be lyrical and meaningful； there had to be wit in conversation； one could play the virginal or the lute only if one knew how。
I was fiercely curious as to the identity of this creature； and the general sweetness of the reports of her。
And so passing h